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You’re Not a People-Pleaser—And I Can Prove It

If you are a high-functioning woman, a business leader, or someone who has built a life of significant impact, I want to challenge one of the most common labels you likely wear like a lead weight: People-Pleaser.

When women first begin working with me, they often lead with this confession. They feel ashamed of it. They believe it’s a fundamental flaw in their character. But here is the truth: there is no way you could have achieved your level of success, led teams, or navigated the complexities of your career if you "always" people-pleased. You have made hard calls, set firm boundaries, and said "no" thousands of times to get where you are.

So why do you believe this lie about yourself?

The Internalized Voice of the Abuser

For many women, this false identity is a "self-fulfilling prophecy" born from a chronic state of hypervigilance. If you have been in a toxic or manipulative relationship, you have likely internalized the damning words of an abuser. Their voice becomes your inner critic, telling you that you are weak, or that you only exist to serve others.

You adopt this "false self"—a version of yourself built on self-abandonment—not because it’s true, but because you were conditioned to believe it was necessary for your survival.

Why Therapy Can Sometimes Nurture the Lie

While therapy is an essential tool, it can sometimes inadvertently nurture these false self-beliefs. By spending years over-analyzing why you are a people-pleaser, you can end up deepening your identification with the label. If the focus remains solely on your "patterns," you may lose sight of the fact that this behavior is often a situational response to fear, not a permanent character trait.

The Illusion of the Emotional Surge

The reason we don't notice the many times a day we do not people-please is because those moments are quiet. When you choose what to eat, how to manage your calendar, or how to lead your team, there is no "emotional surge." It feels natural, so it goes unnoticed.

However, when you feel forced to betray yourself or push past your own boundaries, your body reacts with an intense internal conflict. This discomfort—the racing heart, the tight chest, the spike of anxiety—is the body’s expression of an internal betrayal.

Because these moments are so emotionally loud, they create an illusion. You mistake the surge of fear for a trait of your personality. You think, "I feel like a people-pleaser, so I must be one," and the identity loop begins.

How to Break Free and Reclaim Your True Identity

The true risk of over-identifying as a people-pleaser is thinking something is wrong with you, rather than recognizing that something was wrong with the situation. Here is how we start to sift through the false beliefs:

1. Notice the "Quiet" Wins

Start noticing the hundreds of times a day when you do not people-please. When you make a decision based on your own needs without a second thought, acknowledge it. This disproves the false identity and reminds you that you already possess the strength you think you've lost.

2. Identify the Root of the "Yes"

Identify the specific moments when you do fall into people-pleasing. For most women, this happens only when they are scared. It isn't a personality trait; it's a survival strategy.

3. Question the Fear

Once you identify the fear, ask: Is this fear warranted? Often, the body is reacting to the "ghost" of an old threat—an internalised voice from the past. By questioning the risk, you realize that choosing yourself in the present doesn't carry the same danger it once did.

4. Sift Through the False Beliefs

This work is about sifting through each of these false self-beliefs so you can reclaim your true identity. You are not a people-pleaser; you are a high-capacity woman who learned to survive a difficult situation. It’s time to stop surviving and start leading as your true self.

Ready to reclaim your true identity?

If you are ready to sift through these false beliefs and find your way back to the version of you that is steady and certain, I invite you to apply to work with us.

🚀 [Click here to access the Masterclass: Reclaim Your Self]